Jokes, Stories and stuff

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0><script type="text/javascript" src="http://hb.lycos.com/hb.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://ratings.lycos.com/ratings/lycosRating.js.php"></script> <script type="text/javascript"><![CDATA[//><!]]></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://scripts.lycos.com/catman/init.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-start.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-middle.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/ad/code-end.js"></script> <noscript> <img src="http://members.tripod.com/adm/img/common/ot_noscript.gif?rand=100006" alt="" width="1" height="1" />  <iframe frameborder="0" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" width="728" height="90" src="http://ad.yieldmanager.com/st?ad_type=iframe&ad_size=728x90&section=209094"></iframe>  </noscript> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" colspan=2 height=110 BGCOLOR="#CCFFFF" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="040506e1egerbq.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#339900" FACE="Arial" ><B>FIRST FORESTGLEN SCOUTS</b></FONT><B> </b><B> </b><B> </b><B> </b><B> </b><B>|    </b><B> </b><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="FIRST FORESTGLEN SCOUTS"><U><B>home</b></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id23.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Links"><U>Links</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id25.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Mission"><U>Mission</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id34.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="_"><U>--Type Title Here--</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id24.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Coming Events"><U>Coming Events</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id26.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contacting FIRST FORESTGLEN SCOUTS"><U>Contacting FIRST FORESTGLEN SCOUTS</U></A>   |   Jokes, Stories and stuff   |   <A HREF="id32.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Webmasters Page"><U>Webmasters Page</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id19.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="BEAVERS"><U>BEAVERS</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id20.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="CUBS"><U>CUBS</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id21.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="SCOUTS"><U>SCOUTS</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id22.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="VENTURERS"><U>VENTURERS</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="http://skyscraper.fortunecity.com/lessthan/258/newpaper.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://skyscraper.fortunecity.com/lessth"><U><B>FORESTGLEN CHRONICLE</b></U></A></div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" width=190 BGCOLOR="#339900" TEXT="#080000"> <bR> <div> <IMG SRC="0649d960.gif" border=0 width="157" height="150" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></div> </td> <td valign="top" height=370 BGCOLOR="#99CC00" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <B>FIRST FORESTGLEN SCOUTS</b></div> <bR> <div>  </div> <bR> <div> Crazy Hero</div> <bR> <div> After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved</div> <div> another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the</div> <div> director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.</div> <bR> <div> "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home.  I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."</div> <bR> <div> "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied.  "I hung him up</div> <div> to dry."</div> <bR> <bR> <div> The Psychiatrist</div> <bR> <div> The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "Mr. Black is in the waiting room asking to see you again.  This time he claims he's invisible."</div> <bR> <div> The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."</div> <bR> <div> The Persistent Duck</div> <bR> <div> A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"</div> <bR> <div> The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."</div> <bR> <div> The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.</div> <bR> <div> The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.</div> <bR> <div> Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"</div> <div> The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.</div> <bR> <div> The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"</div> <bR> <div> "No."</div> <bR> <div> "Got any duck feed?"</div> <bR> <bR> <div> The City Slicker</div> <bR> <div> A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.</div> <bR> <div> A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.</div> <bR> <div> Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."</div> <bR> <div> "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"</div> <bR> <div> "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"</div> <bR> <bR> <div> The Cannibals</div> <bR> <div> Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade.</div> <div> I just cannot seem to get them tender."</div> <bR> <div> The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"</div> <bR> <div> The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."</div> <bR> <div> "Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder... those are friars!"</div> <bR> <bR> <div>  Children's Wisdom</div> <bR> <div> My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one</div> <div> evening when we heard sobbing coming from three- year-old Billy's room. Rushing</div> <div> to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a</div> <div> penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his</div> <div> mind.</div> <bR> <div> Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his</div> <div> pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a</div> <div> flash,</div> <div> he snatched it from my husband's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, "Do</div> <div> it again, Dad!"</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> Children's Wisdom</div> <bR> <div> The other day my wife, my son and I were at the beach. Tommy, at 3 years, is</div> <div> generally very good about being courteous and careful with other people. Like</div> <div> any child his age however, he occasionally has lapses. On this occasion he</div> <div> winged a frisbee at my wife. After he did so, I prompted him for the usual</div> <div> gosh-I-really-had-no-idea "Sorry."</div> <bR> <div> I said, "Tommy, what do you say when you almost hit someone with something?"</div> <bR> <div> He immediately replied: "Duck!"</div> <bR> <div> The Diagnosis</div> <bR> <div> The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.  When the examination was complete, he said,</div> <div> "Now, Doc, I can take it.  Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."</div> <bR> <div> "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."</div> <bR> <div> "Okay," said the man.  "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Shopping</div> <bR> <div> This blind guy walked into a Macy's with his seeing-eye dog and headed straight for the men's department.  Surrounded by pajamas and neckties, he proceeded to</div> <div> come to a stop, pick up his German Shepherd by the hind legs, and swing the dog around and around in a circle.</div> <bR> <div> A startled clerk ran over to him, saying loudly, "Sir... may I help you with anything?"</div> <bR> <div> "No thanks," said the blind man, "just looking."</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> Actual English Subtitles Used In Hong Kong Films</div> <div> You daring lousy guy.</div> <bR> <div> Beat him out of recognizable shape!</div> <bR> <div> Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits</div> <div> and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.</div> <bR> <div> I have been scared silly too much lately.</div> <bR> <div> I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!</div> <bR> <div> Beware!  Your bones are going to be disconnected.</div> <bR> <div> The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?</div> <bR> <div> How can you use my intestines as a gift?</div> <bR> <div> Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together</div> <div> and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some but</div> <div> of the giant lizard person.</div> <bR> <div> You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.</div> <bR> <div> Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.</div> <bR> <div> Gun wounds again?</div> <bR> <div> Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.</div> <bR> <div> A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.</div> <bR> <div> Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken</div> <bR> <div> Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.</div> <bR> <div> Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?</div> <bR> <div> This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum.</div> <div> I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and</div> <div> leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.</div> <bR> <div> Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.</div> <bR> <div> I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!</div> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>